


The End

by TheCapybarasAreComing



Series: And all that's in between [1]
Category: Assassination Classroom
Genre: (mentioned) - Freeform, Angst, Backstory, Body Dysphoria, Canon mentioned two characters drifting apart and I saw an opportunity, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Other, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Trust Issues, attachment disorders
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-24
Updated: 2020-08-24
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:40:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,701
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26089564
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheCapybarasAreComing/pseuds/TheCapybarasAreComing
Summary: Two years ago, when Nagisa was still safely wrapped in youth and friendship, he learned what betrayal meant. Under the light of the moon, the wind pulling playfully at his long hair, he looked his only friend in the eyes as his heart was torn out and split in two."I don't trust you," golden eyes regarded him blankly, "not one bit."=========Or: that night when Nagisa and Karma were still thirteen and close friends, and how it all came to an end.
Relationships: Akabane Karma & Akabane Karma's Parents, Akabane Karma & Shiota Nagisa, Akabane Karma/Shiota Nagisa, Shiota Hiromi & Shiota Nagisa, Shiota Nagisa & Shiota Nagisa's Father, if you squint
Series: And all that's in between [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1894201
Comments: 19
Kudos: 120





	The End

**Author's Note:**

> Lol, that was fun to write. Super dialogue-heavy, pls don’t be mad. I’m trying out a bunch of different writing styles cause I’m pretty new to this, so you know, patience is a virtue and all that.
> 
> This is part of a two-part (maybe three-part) series, so expect more to come.
> 
> In this story, both Nagisa and Karma are pretty flawed and neither is being as honest with the other as they should. There are some undertones and hidden intentions/tests in their actions, simply because they were both raised in an environment where being straightforward with what they cared about would lead to it being ridiculed, de-validated, or used against them. Keep an eye out for all those hidden things, but it doesn't really matter if you catch them or not cause the next entry in this series will elaborate for you.
> 
> That probably didn't make much sense but trying to put your trust in someone when both of you have some sort of attachment disorder is confusing and convoluted as hell, so if you're confused while reading this then you're probably headed in the right direction.

  


There was a way that wind caught in the trees that made Nagisa feel safe. The rustle of leaves came in slow ascensions reminiscent of waves in the ocean. Like a fresh layer of snow, the wind made bursts of noise such as drunkards shouting or car alarms blaring less sharp.

  


These types of October nights, where the wind would snatch the orange leaves and pull them loose like a cat pulling at thread surrounded him in a not-quite-silence. Not too loud, not too quiet. Not too cold, not too warm.

  


His company seemed to be of the same mind. Karma’s youthful face of 13-years was gentle under the light of the moon. His usually sharp features were rounded out due to dim lighting and his mercury pools were lidded heavily, making him look like a more relaxed version of daytime Karma.

  


“I think I’m more comfortable here,” Nagisa said.

  


A silent hum same from Nagisa’s right, prodding him to continue.

  


“It feels so soft. Like I’m swimming through something and everything else is muffled,” he slowed and chuckled, "that probably doesn’t make any sense. Sorry.”

  


Another breeze grabbed a handful of leaves and dragged them across the empty street.

  


“No, I know what you mean,” Karma breathed out, “Not too loud, not too quiet. Not too cold, not too warm,” he smiled at Nagisa, “then again, it really is just our phasic receptors doing their job right that creates this illusion of safety”

  


Golden eyes caught the light of the moon and in them, Nagisa couldn’t find even a glint of mischief.

  


“You’re such a nerd,” he bumped his shoulder to just above Karma’s elbow.

  


“I need you to know, that was simplified as fuck. Be grateful this nerd is closeted,” he didn’t miss a beat, eyes still searching the sky for stars.

  


Nagisa took a second to examine his friend. His shoulders were loose with his hands resting in coat pockets. Nonetheless, Nagisa didn’t quite know Karma well enough to tell if the ripple in his coat was a line of tension running through his spine and down his forearms or if it was just from the lack of trips to a launderer. He suspected it was the former.

  


Nights like these were soft, but they weren’t always kind. They normally started when a long day ended and one of the two companions received a text asking if the other was still up. Most nights, Nagisa was the sender of one such message.

  


►You awake?◄

  


He would text, and faithfully, every time, he would receive some form of a yes.

  


►Yup◄

  


►I guess◄

  


►Yeppers◄

  


►Nah, what do you need?◄

  


He would meet up with Karma under the neon lights of some dingy Circle-K, and from there they would walk. They’d walk through the city, along the beach, up through a ravine, it didn’t matter. But it was safe. It was always safe.

  


He would unload, tell Karma a vague—sometimes specific—outline of everything. He would illustrate the ugly amalgamation of abuse and dysphoria and insecurities in front of Karma and let him behold it in all its unsightly-ness.

  


Then, Karma would take his hand and point at a weaker looking limb, or a part of its body that was slightly unbalanced and say,  _ yeah dude, that’s pretty scary looking. But see here? Look at this interstice in its scales. Strike here. _

  


He always left these nights feeling lighter. Not absolved, that was something Karma could never give him, but definitely validated. Seen, recognized, vindicated, whatever.

  


Sometimes, once every blue moon, Nagisa would receive an 11:00 pm text asking if he was alive and wanted to go for a walk. Karma would never unload in the same way that Nagisa did. It wasn’t something Nagisa understood, and yeah, it bothered him to no end—not being able to help someone you cared about would do that. But Nagisa could understand the need to get away, so if he could be that place for Karma then who cared about what Karma did or didn’t unload.

  


Tonight, Nagisa was the recipient of one such message. He didn’t know what hounded his friend, as per usual, but he hoped the rustling of leaves was a therapy in and of itself.

  


“Do you  _ want _ to tell me more about phallics?”

  


Karma puffed air through his nose, “You  _ know _ that's not what they’re called. And yes, I would love to, actually.”

  


Nagisa shrugged, “I’m listening.”

  


His friend pulled a hand out of his pocket and tucked a loose strand of red behind his ear, a sign that he was about to go on a tangent. He hesitated slightly, like his voice caught in his throat, but he cleared it and forged on.

  


“So I first read about them in this awesome paper I found in the library about firing rates in different types of receptors—I can lend it to you sometime—”

  


_ I’d be honoured _ Nagisa thought to himself as he watched his friend ramble on, child-like in his excitement. He rarely got to see this Karma and didn’t know why it was so well hidden under the layers of all those other obnoxious Karma qualities, but he was certain that he loved this person.

  


Karma was halfway through explaining the types of electrical impulses dendrites could send when a roaring crash filled Nagisa’s ears.

  


Karma flinched violently and grabbed Nagisa’s waist, pushing him to the ground. Karma positioned himself in front of Nagisa, in between him and the noise. His feet were set in a fighting stance and his hands were out by his face, shoulders up and tense. In the shock of it all, Nagisa idly compared his friend to a street cat, or a cornered panther.

  


Nagisa couldn’t see much around Karma’s figure, but he’d yet to hear another noise and even after the blur of speed and shock that was Karma’s flurry of movement, Nagisa could tell that enough seconds had passed for an assailant to have made themselves visible by now.

  


He moved the arm supporting him and leaned on a scratched elbow to see around Karma. His friend was facing an empty alleyway, eyes blurred with adrenaline and breath nearly non-existent. Upon closer inspection of the alley, Nagisa could see a small fluff of grey ambling through a dumpster. It chittered and a pointed face with a smeared mask of black turned to face him, looking just as startled as he felt. It was a raccoon.

  


“Dear god,” he huffed, “the little bastard must’ve knocked something off.”

  


And true to form, on the ground there lay a newly cracked microwave. It probably sat happily on the dumpster waiting to be picked up, unsuspecting of the clumsy rodent that would amble into it.

  


“Nearly gave me a heart-attack,” He laughed, cautiously as it appeared as though Karma was still frozen.

  


Nagisa pulled his feet up underneath him and got up.

  


“Karma? Are you ok?” 

  


Karma lowered his arms slightly and shuffled his stance into something smaller. His breathing, now that Nagisa was close enough to hear it, was uneven and fast-paced. He turned his shoulders to face Nagisa but he was still eyeing the alleyway as though a trained assassin would come out of it.

  


“Yeah,” he breathed, and finally turned to face Nagisa, “just startled.”

  


Nagisa agreed. He, afterall, could still feel his heart fluttering in his chest from the scare. Feeding some anxiety ridden urge to feel the presence of another person, he reached a hand out to touch Karma’s shoulder. He’d just about put his fingers on the coarse fabric the redhead wore when it flinched away. Karma’s breathing picked up more.

  


“... Are you actually ok?” he asked

  


Karma swallowed heavily and nodded, “fine. Peachy. Seriously don’t worry about it.”

  


A lie, of course. Karma didn’t confide in others, he knew that, but he prided himself on being observant and not once in the whole time he’d known Karma had he ever seen the other boy flinch. He once watched him dodge a beer bottle in a park filled with five adults and proceed to beat them to shit with a math textbook. Throughout the whole thing, he’d not once seen him flinch.

  


“It’s ok if you aren’t, you know,” Nagisa didn’t know if he was pressing too far, but he felt like this was the one chance he might have at getting Karma to actually  _ talk _ . Even then, it seemed his window of opportunity was shutting down fast as Karma shook himself out and smoothed over the rough, startled vulnerability in his form.

  


“I know,” Karma’s voice betrayed nothing.

  


Nagisa tried not to be frustrated with the fact that his friend had already smoothened out to the point that it seemed like nothing was ever wrong,

  


“But you weren’t a second ago. You weren’t fine, don’t hide it,” He was definitely pressing too far now. Muscles in Karma’s jaw tensed at those words.

  


“I told you, I was startled. So were you, actually,” he pointed out.

  


For a second Nagisa stayed silent. He read somewhere that people reflexively talked more when their words were met with silence. Immediately after reading it he realized that it was one of Karma’s most commonly used tactics to get Nagisa to vent. Unfortunately, it appeared that the table wouldn’t be turned today, as Karma easily recognized what was happening and shot him a dirty look.

  


Nagisa decided to get to the root of things, “why did you call me out here today Karma?” his voice was coarse, tentative.

  


Karma looked at him,

  


“I don’t want to talk about it.”

  


“Okay, I get that, but you know that you could tell me  _ anything _ , right? It wouldn’t make you any lesser in my eyes,” Nagisa pushed on. It wasn’t that he couldn’t respect Karma’s boundaries, but the other boy had never once told him anything and there was no way that could be healthy. 

  


“Thanks,” Karma said. It was a clear indication that this conversation should be over, but all Nagisa could see was this one, singular vulnerable moment slipping away and he didn’t want it to run away like a startled rabbit before he could make a lesson of it.

  


“Is it home troubles? Are your parents a problem? ‘Cause you know that I’d understand,” as soon as he said it he regretted it. Karma’s gaze sharpened and a cool, calm film spread over his expression.

  


“You know, some of us  _ are  _ actually fine, right? I’m not someone you can just project on to work through your problems.”

  


Nagisa felt a lump form in his throat, “Yeah, of course I know that. It’s just that you never talk about them, I thought something might be up, or—”

  


“Or maybe you thought I could be your little pet project? A pitiful loner type waiting to be saved by some damaged, been-through-it-before know it all?” Karma was smiling now. The type of smile Nagisa used to see directed at bullies who’d once bothered him for his long hair and feminine looks prior to getting the beating of their lives. He never thought the weight of that gaze would be quite this heavy.

  


“No, you know that's not what I meant. I just want you to know that you can trust me.”

  


Karma clenched his fists tight before letting his hand fall slack by his side.

  


“Yet you don’t seem to believe in the possibility that I already know that. Don’t you think it's a little ironic to be untrusting of someone to the point that you actually have to convince them to feel safe around you?”

  


“What does that even  _ mean _ ? I trust you! You know that. I’ve made damn sure that you know that ‘cause I tell you all this shit. I tell you everything! All about the… the,”  _ the dresses, the insults, the grabbing, pushing, expectations, pain— _ Nagisa shook his head out, “I tell you all this ugly shit, but I don’t know the first thing about you. I don’t even know your moms  _ name _ for god’s sake!”

  


He ran a hand through his hair, belatedly realizing that his hands were shaking.  _ Is this the first fight we’ve had? _ He thought, as he looked at Karma’s blank face.

  


“We,” Karma gestured between them, “are not the same. You can tell me all that, and that's cool, but as soon as you expect something in return? We’re done. I’m not throwing my trauma around like a goddamned hot potato just for something as stupid as your trust—”

  


“Fuck you,” Nagisa pointed his finger, “Why is all of this so convoluted with you? I’m not trying to get your pity or your trust or  _ anything _ when I talk to you. Do you know what I’m trying to do?  _ Nothing _ . I talk to you because it helps and because you're my friend! So maybe if you just tried it every once in a while you’d see that not everyone has these ulterior motives all the time. Some of us are  _ normal _ ,” he spat.

  


Karma stopped smiling, “so what, you want me to try playing the victim for once? Do you have any idea how that works out for people like me?” He laughed, spitefully.

  


Nagisa’s chest hurt and his eyes burned with something that was close enough to tears.

  


“I have no clue what you’re talking about! Ever! People like you? What the hell does that even mean? You’re the only person ‘like you’ that I’ve ever met, so I need you to  _ tell me _ . Have you tried actually explaining things to someone even  _ once _ or are you just a defeatist, pity-party-goer at the heart of it?”

  


Nagisa’s voice was raised, but he felt like he was talking to a wall. Karma’s tone was even and his face was as blank as though he was talking of the weather. Normally, Nagisa was calm when he argued but really his only experience with arguments was being the one shouted at, not doing the shouting. He tried to quell that swelling panic while he navigated these unfamiliar waters of having the roles completely and thoroughly reversed.

  


“You say you don’t know me but now all of a sudden you’re trying to tell me all the things I have and haven't done? You’re kind of talking yourself in circles, aren’t you,” Karma reasoned. Nagisa was sure that if he tried he could find a hole in that logic somewhere but right now his throat hurt and his mind was filled with a white, fuzzy, panic that made everything too difficult.

  


“I, I don’t—” he stuttered, “then just tell me one thing!” It came out a lot louder then he meant it to, and Karma flinched for the third time that night. It was like seeing lightning strike the same thing thrice, and it filled Nagisa with an undirected bloodlust.

  


“Tell me one true thing about yourself! I don’t care about the reasoning behind it. Manipulate me into giving you my trust, sure, tell me for the pure reason of just feeling better—I don't care! Just tell me  _ one thing _ ! Show me that you trust me!”

  


His voice echoed down the streets and into a nearby park. He had no idea where they were or when they’d stopped walking, but aside from a lady quickly scurrying away from the confrontation, the streets were still empty. Nagisa could hardly even hear the rustling of leaves anymore over the roaring in his ears. For a few seconds, while Karma stared down the empty streets with that icy glare, that's all there was. The roaring of anger rushing to his head. A white-noise.

  


A few more beats of silence and Karma finally turned to look at him. Nagisa couldn’t figure out how someone could have so much fire in their eyes and still look like a cold sea. If Karma’s eyes were a raging inferno, waiting to suffocate you with smoke and flames and pain then his expression was an icy water, waiting to drag you under and numb you so you wouldn’t be able to feel your life draining away.

  


He started speaking, and every syllable was a punch to Nagisa’s diaphragm, “Easy. I don’t trust you.”

  


Leaves clawed desperately at the pavement as the wind dragged them away.

  


“What?” Nagisa croaked.

  


“You wanted to know something about me? Ok. I don’t trust you. Not one bit. There’s your fun fact. Happy?” Karma spoke and held himself like he knew that everything he said beat Nagisa down a bit more and simply didn’t have it in him to care.

  


_ No,  _ Nagisa thought,  _ not at all _ . His brain was still trying to process everything, anger a long-forgotten emotion quickly replaced by confusion and a caving sensation in his thorax.

  


“B-but, no, what? We’ve been friends for over a year! I tell you—told you—everything!”

  


Karma nodded patronizingly, “Cute. Wasn’t it a second ago that you begged me to tell you  _ one simple thing _ ? Anything?” he mocked, “well, now I’ve told you, and surprise, surprise! You don’t want to hear that shit,” His gaze darkened, “Any of that shit.”

  
  


Nagisa couldn’t remember the last time he felt this much. Maybe when his dad left? Yeah, that was still pretty sharp. Maybe when his mom shouted at him? No, he turned off during those sessions for the most part. For all he thought, he couldn’t figure out why all the feeling was so intense this time.

  


He spluttered for words, but couldn’t find any.

  


Karma darkened even more, face as unreadable as it was when this whole mess started.

  


“Are you gonna say anything?” He asked. 

  


Nagisa really didn’t know the answer. What do you say to that?

  


“You’re… you’re lying right?” This was it, the last olive branch extended to save their relationship from teetering over the edge. All Karma had to do was take it.

  


Nagisa waited in half-stunned anticipation.

  


Karma sighed, “No,” his smile returned, a little more cracked this time, “there are a lot of lies I’ve told you, but not this time. You told me to trust you, but clearly I can’t do that so the least I can do is tell the truth. I don’t trust you.” 

  


And there it was. Nagisa thought he could hear cracking between them. There it was. The end of it all.

  


Nagisa let his knees fold and sat on the slightly damp curb. His elbows rested on his knees, trying to support an unknown weight that rested in his body.

  


“Why did you text me to come out here, Karma?” He whispered.

  


The look he received was close enough to pity for him to give up completely, “no reason, I guess. Don’t worry about it.”

  


Karma crouched down next to him, resolutely looking anywhere but directly at him. They stayed there for a while. Nagisa was trying to breathe past the lump in his throat while Karma was slowly and purposefully letting air filter through his lungs.

  


_ What just happened _ Nagisa tried to process.  _ That was way too fast _ , disbelief clouded his brain,  _ that wasn’t real, everything will be fine tomorrow _ . 

  


Nagisa tried to look at Karma, but he couldn’t catch the other boy's eyes.

  


“Karma…” he uttered.

  


The redhead did little but glance at him. Even then, in that split second of eye contact, Nagisa saw whatever anger Karma’s eyes held fade into something unidentifiable. Nagisa felt himself tear up.

  


“You wanted the truth, didn’t you?”

  


Nagisa choked back a sob.  _ Not if this is the truth. I don’t want this. _

  


Karma sighed. Leaning forward on his toes, he closed his eyes and sucked in a deep breath.

  


“I’m going back now,” He looked down, “all those things that you told me, about…” he twirled his hand, “well,  _ her, _ your hair, and your dad and just, everything. I won’t tell anyone. For as long as I live. That's a promise and I know you trust me even if I don't, so just take it at face value; your secrets are safe with me.”

  


The redhead got up and straightened his jacket. Nagisa didn’t know if he was waiting for a response but he wouldn’t be getting one. He couldn’t see his friend’s— _ no, not anymore— _ his classmate’s expression through his unshed tears but the tone was even and his actions were smooth.

  


Karma stood there for a second, waiting, perhaps. He still wasn’t looking at Nagisa and Nagisa had no clue what to do.

  


“Yeah, ok. I’m out,” he started walking down the street, then stopped, as if reminded of something, “text me when you get home safely. And…” a pause, “when we see each other tomorrow just call me Karma-Kun, okay?”

  


Nagisa just let out a muffled sob in acknowledgement.

  


Karma sighed to himself, “okay.”

  


Fading footsteps echoed down the street, growing farther from an unbeknownst Nagisa with every passing second. All the blue-haired boy could hear was the sound of his tears finally falling and the cool rustling of leaves in the wind.

  


~~~---<O>\---~~~

  


True to form, when Nagisa showed up to school the next day with makeup covering puffy eyes, a raspy throat, and a fake smile plastered on his face, he hardly acknowledged the fiery bob of red hair. In return, the fire hardly acknowledged him back.

  


When Karma left class that day, textbook in hand, he didn’t turn to Nagisa and suggest that they go check the comic store for recent additions. Instead, the boy walked out of class silently, playing a game on his phone.

  


When, later that week, Nagisa was hiding in his room after a particularly bad fight with his mom, he picked up his phone. He stared at the mash of numbers on his screen until they turned into a blue light that stared back at him. He didn’t call. He didn’t text.

  


When, two years later, Nagisa saw an old-classmate standing at the top of some grassy stairs, he didn’t drop his gym bag and run at the boy to hug him. Instead, he let out a small gasp of air, unsure of where his lungs went, and as per request uttered a single name, even as it tore his heart out to say it.

  


“Karma-Kun.”

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, so that turned out a lot more like Good Will Hunting then I planned... Whoops. I promise it was unintentional! It just so happens that attachment disorders are one of the running themes between these two works, so there are going to be some parts that are similar. 
> 
> Furthermore, I have NO CLUE what phasic receptors are. I fell down a physiology hole and started reading about them but even that one sentence I wrote is probably wrong. If you’d like to learn more about them you can go search up "Tonic and Phasic Receptors Sensory Adaptation."
> 
> Please, have a lovely day. I'll see you next time!


End file.
